sleepless

every now and then, over the last ten years...may be nine or probably its just eight years, i have struggled to sleep everytime her memories would sneak up on me. It was not a big deal. One night in a month, spent crying over a girl, call it dreaming, or mourning, or whatever, i was able to hand it. The idea was , the night so spent, would make me wanna enjoy my day better, lest people will realise, I am sad. Its not a bad thing to be sad, but it is a sad thing to explain that is bad. Anyways, so a week or two ago (damn..I am so bad with remembering the time), I sent her a message at around one in the night, through facebook. She is not in my friend list., but even then, I got the notification, that she saw the message. She was there online. My heart started beating faster. I started sweating. I was waiting for her to reply. I was thinking, she does know I am online, we could have had a casual chat. But no, she didnt reply. I spent the night, looking up at facebook, hoping she would reply. I could almost hear her breathe at the other end of the monitor. I slept early morning, tired and having realised, she wouldnt reply. Its not that she used to reply to my messages, she never does. yet, feeling disappointed I slept.  When I woke up in  the afternoon, I knew she hadnt replied, and my facebook told me as much. Its not that I am hooked to facebook after that, I have always been hooked to it.  Facebook is narcissistic in its own way, and I love that about it. Nor did I start hating it. But something else happened. I havent been able to sleep all night since then . I have tried everything. Just lying down with lights turned off, reading boring books, watching movies, staying up the whole day after, nothing has helped me sleep. May be I should see a doctor. May be I am being an alarmist. Its just as I said, a week or two. Something will probably turn on the switch to my sleep, the same way something switched it off.  thats the beauty of life, it always has its own way of turning up for the better.
May be, If I continue to write long on the blog, someday, I could write and laught about how silly my premises were , for my not sleeping. Or someday, I would look back and say, well, I know how it all started.