So here I am, again, having activated my Facebook, looking
sheepishly into my reflection in the mirror and laughing. Well, that’s exactly
how my life is – fluctuating between the upper echelons of madness and lower
straits of uncomplicated emotions. Probably the word should be complicated
instead of uncomplicated, and I realise no matter irrespective of the choice of
the word, irrespective of the meaning it conveys, my life is fucked up.
Ever since Facebook activated graph search for me, I keep
searching for the photos she has liked every day. Technically it is stalking,
but I guess this is allowed. I am not intruding in her physical or digital
space. I search for things that are available for everybody to see. All that I
gain from this stalking are nothing but pangs of conscience and regret. I see
her happy in her own world. It looks perfect.
What am I doing thinking about her everyday even though she
doesn’t love me and is happy with her life without me. But then, it’s not about
her. I am not part of her life, I am not disturbing her, I am as far away from her as possible. This is
about me, it’s about my love. I can and will love her for the rest of my life,
even though I know she will never come to know of it anymore. It’s about my
inability to get attracted to anybody else. It’s about my inability to forget
her. It’s about my inability to stop thinking about her. So, this love affects
only my life. I can be depressed one day, and cheerful another. I will think of
her as a princess one day and an angel another.
Well, it’s also not true that my life is getting affected.
Only one aspect of my life is getting affected. Only my heart is the one that
feels the pain. While my heart dies, I continue to live a normal life.
